Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
