haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize