I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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