I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
