I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
4 words: hood of his car
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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