True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
what day is it and did you see me today?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
