I just cut my nipple shaving
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
