so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
