We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
