Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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