I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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