textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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