You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
