i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
