Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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