his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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