how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
