when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
