Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
