I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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