I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
