So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
