Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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