He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
