Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
