you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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