i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
