Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
