I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
