life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
