please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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