Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
