i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
