Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
