I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
