I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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