There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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