i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
