First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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