i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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