Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize