Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
