Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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