I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Randomize
