I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
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