my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
