my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize