break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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