OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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