Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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