god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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