its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
