my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
