I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
