Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
