im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
How does one acquire holy water?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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