I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So squirting runs in the family.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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