Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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