I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize