Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
