someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
