Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
