Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize