I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
